Today is “her” birthday.

Even if I don’t really want to talk about it, sometimes I think I should, because sometimes we get so caught up in not feeling too much that we forget that it’s okay to hurt.

Today is her birthday, the one she wasn’t suppose to have . . . yet.

Today is a very special day for me. Today is the day I get to celebrate the rest of my life. It wasn’t suppose to be her “real” birthday. Ultimately I suppose it’s the one that matters most. It wasn’t always like that, it wasn’t always easy and often it was a day I hated. I thought February 1st was the absolute worst possible day on the calendar and given the opportunity I would take a pen and scribble out it’s very existence and in a moment in my life; I tried hard enough to.

On February 1st, 15 years ago, a very special girl ripped my heart from my chest as she snuggled into the warm, safe embrace that only Jesus could provide.

Losing my sweet Emmy was perhaps the hardest thing I’d ever experienced and it was for so many reasons but one in particular that cut me to the core. My sweet Em and my sweet friend, Melissa, got to share a birthday; their heavenly birthday. Looking back to Melissa’s funeral, it was such a bittersweet moment. Her sister and dad, they were hurting I know, they’d lost Melissa’s mom just a few years earlier. But I remember the pastor speaking, saying we’re not here to mourn in death, we’re here to celebrate a life! There were sweet songs sang in addition to “Amazing Grace” and wouldn’t you know they even played, “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. Truly it was a celebration.

I wept.

I wept so hard.

I didn’t understand how this could be happening. Such a sweet friend dying at all and so young, but especially at the same time as my baby, Emma!! What’s funny to think about now is she told me, demanded even, that she was going to baby sit my little Emmy for me. . . perhaps she is!!

I sat there in the back of the church, where I insisted on sitting, completely unsure that I’d be able to make it through the service, clutching my stomach and crying, secretly begging the Lord to give me back my sweet Em or just take my breath from my body; I’d never felt so lonely in my life, or so empty, rather. But I’m so overcome thinking about it now, it truly was so precious. The loneliest, hardest day of my life, the day I swore I’d hate forever – February 1st – is truly one of my most favorite days now. Do I wish that I could have my girl here with me instead? Yes, because I’m her mommy. But she never had to experience the hurt and loss and pain of this world. She got to be formed in my tummy, know my voice, hear hundreds of times, “I love you”, and be safe and cozy, then she got to fall asleep there. She didn’t have to wake up into this big, awful scary world. I know good and well that there’s nothing for me to offer her here and I’m just so thankful for a loving God who thought enough of me that He’d let me love her, let me experience that first love of mommyhood for her, and that He would love her more than I ever will (no matter what my mommy heart thinks).

If you have a birthday in February, I hope you have a Happy Birthday!

“A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:1-5