This week has been sweet to me as I’ve gotten to sit and just be thankful for so much right on the heels of a hard week. I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe that God fully orchestrates things for me in His preparation of my heart, to help me with what’s coming next. He does this because He is God, He’s turned every page and He knows what’s coming next. He loves me.

Going over the Book of Psalms this week was exactly what I needed.

Sometimes we go through really hard times and we feel that we’re going through more than we can handle and our God, well He remains the same and I am so thankful that He stays the same . . . here’s the truth: we feel that we’re going through more than we can handle because we are. We always will. God is good at being God, He’s going to allow us to go through more than we can handle, always.

Always.

But what do we do when we go from feeling like we’re walking on a cloud to feeling like we’re such a mess that we don’t even know how we can express our emotions to God because we’re so hurt and conflicted?

Well . . . again, He’s a good God, and He’s good at being God. He reminds me that He’s the same, yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

Sometimes all we can say is, “Jesus”.

I went from pushing my way out of a hard, so hard, week to having such an incredible week where things were going super awesome, then back to having one heartache after another and I felt like I was slowly buckling under the weight of one thing after the next. So many emotions. How do I tell God I’m so screwed up, again?

Again.

How do I tell God I have missed the mark, again?

Again.

How do I figure out how to tell Him I’ve been working hard on trying to figure out how to move that mountain all by myself again.

Again.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. He’s just so good though. He gives us a book like the Psalms and that blesses me. Have you sat down and read through the Psalms? Some of these psalms come from a man’s crying out about his feelings in the hard situations he’s in. Some of the psalms are of praise in adoration of God, some are of thanksgiving and to express worship.

If you haven’t been able to read through any of your daily readings this week, just stop and sit down to the book of Psalms. It’s so good. (Psalm 139:14 is in my class ring and Psalm 139:16-18 is on the grave stone where my daughter rests. I love Psalms).

I cried so much this week.

Cried. Cried. Cried. Cried. Cried.

The enormity of the struggles my heart has dealt with this week . . . leaning towards catastrophic.

I have second guessed everything I’ve done.

I have cancelled my physical therapy.

I have tended to worry about some things more than pray more; then instead of correcting myself just sat there and thought, “stupid girl”.

I have shown disbelief in my God by trying to bargain with Him. Yes, I did. I fell down in tears in a hard moment of three days no sleep, her second flu diagnosis in four months (yes, she’s had the flu vaccine), and I asked Him to please let me be sick instead, to trade her places.

I had some of the greatest compliments from the most unexpected places.

I received some phone calls that changed the course of my day-to-day.

I discovered some stuff about myself that has me even more excited to be me.

I’ve considered really personal stuff I’m feeling.

But my heart was broken in two.

I even watched God work so fast to something I asked and I managed to rob myself from a blessing. One night this week I had enough and I just begged Him to send me someone who I could confess the pains of my heart to with my “mommyhood-failures”, I couldn’t bear it anymore. I needed a friend, immediately. Not someone to talk to over the phone or text, but I needed someone in front of me. I needed a hug around the neck, I needed eyes to look into and I need reaffirmation and correction. Please understand that I know that God has a purpose for our struggles, but I am a mother and a human being and when I watch my daughter struggle it still rips my heart from my chest and with everything else compounded at once . . . my heart was so achy and I’ve felt like the world was against me in every facet.

What would you know?

He answered.

He still does that, you know.

Immediately, even.

As I drove away from my house I pulled into my local gas station and who was right next to my car? My Pastor. I saw him but I don’t know that he saw me, but I just sat there and cried. All I could think was it’s freezing outside and I can’t force myself to bid him to come out and stand in the frigid cold while I cry, when he could go home to his family. I cried harder when I watched him drive away.

God of second chances.

My cousin’s neighbor who happens to live around the corner pulled up behind me. We chatted back and forth for a minute while pumping fuel, just mostly a courtesy talk. I kept feeling prompted to run over and jump in her personal space and tell her everything. She’s older and been through a lot and more experienced and she would have understood, had comforting words and I’m sure – a hug.

I got into my car and cried as I drove onto Walgreens.

God of second chances.

While I picked up the script at the store for my arm (ointment for the frozen shoulder pain) and sat there getting checked out the tech was trying to make small talk, which we normally do, but she was much chattier than usual. Instead of picking up on it and obliging her, I talked for a minute then left. I cried on the way home (by the way nose piercings cry when they’re new if you cry in the first few days).

God of second chances.

I came home and snuggled under the covers and just thanked God for who He is. I missed the mark again. He still loves me. I sat down and meditated over some of the Psalms (Psalms 61, Psalm 46, Psalm 57, Psalm 92 – to name a few) and God is so great and He’s so faithful to us friends. He loves us with a deep and abiding love. He protects us. He calms or the storm. Either way, He stays the same. He’s good. He’s so, so good.

“Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. ²² You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. ²³ Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. ²⁴ God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” ²⁵ The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”²⁶ Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.” John 4:21-26

“I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!” Psalms 66:17-22

This is what we read Monday through Sunday!

Day 42 Psalms 61 – Psalms 90 (Monday)

Day 43 Psalms 91 – Psalms 115 (Tuesday)

Day 44 Psalms 116 – Psalms 150 (Wednesday)

Day 45 Proverbs 1 – Proverbs 15 (Thursday)

Day 46 Proverbs 16 – Proverbs 31 (Friday)

Day 47 Ecclesiastes 1 – Ecclesiastes 12 (Saturday)

Day 48 Song of Solomon 1 – Song of Solomon 8 (Sunday)

Monday, February 18th is Day 49! We will be reading Isaiah!!

Day 49 Isaiah 1 –  Isaiah 27

Day 50 Isaiah 28 – Isaiah 66

Day 51 Jeremiah 1 – Jeremiah 20

Day 52 Jeremiah 21 – Jeremiah 52

Day 53 Lamentations 1 – Lamentations 5

Day 54 Ezekiel 1 – Ezekiel 22

Day 55 Ezekiel 23 – Ezekiel 48

Day 56 Daniel 1 – Daniel 12

Day 57 Hosea 1 – Hosea 14

Day 58 Joel 1 – Joel 3

Day 59 Amos 1 – Amos 9

Day 60 Obadiah 1

Day 61 Jonah 1 – Jonah 4

Day 62 Micah 1 – Micah 7

Day 63 Nahum 1 – Nahum 3

Day 64 Habakkuk 1 – Habakkuk 3

Day 65 Zephaniah 1 – Zephaniah 3

Day 66 Haggai 1 – Haggai 2

Day 67 Zechariah 1 – Zechariah 14

Day 68 Malachi 1 – Malachi 4

NEW TESTAMENT

Day 69 Matthew 1 – Matthew 28

Day 70 Mark 1 – 16

Day 71 Luke 1 – Luke 12

Day 72 Luke 13 – Luke 24

Day 73 John 1 – John 21

Day 74 Acts 1 – Acts 15

Day 75 Acts 16 – Acts 28

Day 76 Romans 1 – Romans 16

Day 77 1 Corinthians 1 – 1 Corinthians 16

Day 78 2 Corinthians 1 – 2 Corinthians 13

Day 79 Galatians 1 – Galatians 6

Day 80 Ephesians 1 – Ephesians 6

Day 81 * Philippians 1 – Philippians 4 (Morning)

                Colossians 1 – Colossians 4 ( Afternoon)

                1 Thessalonians 1 – 1 Thessalonians 5 (Bedtime)

Day 82 2 Thessalonians 1 – 2 Thessalonians 3 (Morning)

                1 Timothy 1 – 1 Timothy 6  (Afternoon)

                2 Timothy 1 – 2 Timothy 4 (Bedtime)

Day 83 Titus 1 – Titus 3 (Morning )

                Philemon 1 (Afternoon)

                Hebrews 1 – Hebrews 13 (Bedtime)

Day 84 James 1 –  James 5  (Morning)

                1 Peter 1 – 1 Peter 5 (Afternoon)

                2 Peter 1 – 2 Peter 3 (Bedtime)

Day 85 1 John 1 – 1 John (Morning)

                2 John 1 (Afternoon)

                3 John  (Bedtime)

Day 86 Jude 1

Day 87 Revelation 1 – Revelation 6

Day 88 Revelation 7 – Revelation 18

Day 89 Revelation 19 – Revelation 22

Day 90 – PRAISE!