Hey friend, can we talk? Like, really talk? About all this grown-up life stuff?!

This year has been crazy already. All of this quarantine stuff is consuming us, all of us, and seems to be the most important thing in so many conversations. Can I tell you something? It’s not. Life is still happening outside (and inside) of this quarantine. Real life.

This year has already shaped up to be on of the hardest of my entire adult life (for so many reasons) and at the same time, it’s kind of shaping up to be one of the best, for a few reasons. The good, the bad, the beauty and the ugly; all the things. I’m breathing. I’m just breathing in and taking it day by day.

I have days that I feel like I’m on top of the world but I have also been hit with some days here and there where I think – where did it all go wrong? My health, has been an ongoing issue, and from the few hospital stays the past few months to the test results last week (which were the worst results I’ve ever had, except that whole sepsis/kidney failure thing, eeek), to feeling like I can take on the world, to feeling so unpretty. Relationships, of all kinds, the ones that ended a while ago, are ending, are just beginning, all of which remind me of the special uniqueness and importance of different seasons in our lives.

This year I’m walking away from every thing that should never have existed in my life.

The relationships of convenience or pressure or expectations.

The thoughts of negativity or failure or fear.

The baggage of unforgiveness, nonacceptance and hurt.

Something valuable I’ve learned along the way is that we tend to justify a lot of hurt because of the people we care about. We shouldn’t.

Here’s to 2020

The one where I decided to leave the broken and irreversible past into the hands of a loving Father and step out in faith for what He holds for my future.

And friends, it isn’t always easy to take the harder road, especially when others think you’re taking the easier road. It’s also not easy when your friends change their tune with you, like someone I love has, because they don’t like your decision and have decided you’re a “fake” for being a human being. It makes me think of that old age saying, “Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you do.” Well we shouldn’t because we all sin. And just because someone has hidden hurts that they don’t tell you about or the picture of their life is different than what you painted, it’s more harming than helpful to judge them – just because you’ve decided you’re hurt.

Something my Pastor has said many for years (and I’ve listened to weekly sermons for the last 9 years) is, “Don’t ever put your trust in people. People will always disappoint you, put your trust in Jesus, He’ll never let you down.”

Pastor W, you were so right. As I’ve struggled silently for so long, only able to hide from my pain and from others inquiries, by finally taking refuge at home, I can say now that I shouldn’t have ever put my trust or hope in another person. It changes everything. God truly is the only one who will always love me and never let me down. To date, He never has before and he won’t start now. I’m sorry, maybe I was your ‘one’ while the other 99 stayed close. Nobody came to look for me, nobody found me. And as I’ve felt myself so backslid-den lately and hurting – I just pray that He’ll give me back my first love for Him, that He will give me the passion and desire to serve with all my life, like I used to have and that He will continue to cover me with His mercies. I’m sorry . . .