Webster hasn’t coined the term to adequately describe what my heart feels tonight. What’s the word for grateful? Not that word, not grateful, but the one that means so grateful. Thankful. Overwhelmed.

Loved.

In Awe.

What’s a word close?  Let me think for a bit. What word would you use? Let me know below.

I love these little ones, for they are precious in His sight. And mine. They’re kind of messy and smelly too, but that’s alright. And I don’t know why I get to have them, or why I get to be “Mama” to such precious, amazingly sweet humans. I didn’t even know it was truly the desire of my heart, but He did. He’s so good like that, y’all. He’s so good.

Thinking about them, just watching them in all their sweetness, a thought took me back to a conversation a few weeks ago when the topic was about someone struggling with infertility. Pain washed over me. And for a brief moment; guilt. I don’t feel guilt for having babies but sometimes after leaving the park or the doctors office, I’ve felt the longing eyes staring at me and my kids, and in my gut…in the mama heart in me … it tells me you were watching so closely, just soaking in the moment with the littles that you don’t yet have and I feel guilty for being so frustrated and complaining about my kids in front you……you probably sat there thinking, “I’d do anything for a spilled juice box on my blouse or sticky fingers in my hair right now”.

I know you’re hurting.

I know you heard something this week that caused you some deeply rooted grief. I know your best friend just sighed as she announced that she was pregnant, again, and maybe made some comment she shouldn’t have. Maybe your sister is frustrated she got pregnant at the “wrong time” and now her bikini isn’t going to fit right. Or maybe it’s your coworker who sleeps with every guy she dates and she’s pretty upset about finding out she’s pregnant because this isn’t in her plans, and hearing her complaints of the exciting news just left you weeping. Or maybe she’s considering an abortion and that has now lit your soul on fire. Maybe you were too tired to turn off the evening news so you sat there and listened to the horrific story about the child that was murdered by his parents, or the neglected children who were just placed in foster care and needing an adoptive family. You didn’t want to go down that road, or maybe you’ve tried, and you haven’t been approved or it’s just too expensive. Maybe you’re still waiting to get married but your heart could burst at the seams b/c you feel your calling is “mommyhood” and you just haven’t met that special guy yet. You’re wondering why you don’t have the little ones you’ve been dreaming of. Maybe you’ve been praying for. Maybe you’ve recently lost your sweet baby in utero, the were born asleep, or left too soon after birth.

I know it feels like you’re swimming in a field right now. Maybe with every stroke forward you make, your arms and hands get tangled in the weeds, another weighty emotion pulling you down.

Sister, I don’t know why. I just simply don’t. I can’t sit here and pretend to know something I don’t.

But I do know a few things.

I know that I wish that I could write away your tears. I’d write them away into the pages of Neverland…….those tears are so big Peter Pan could drop them on Captain Hook, knock him to his knees. I know.

I know that I wish that I could pray for God to give you that baby, child, you so desperately desire and that He would. I will pray for you. I will. I don’t know what His plan is for your life but I trust that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him. I believe this because I read this in the Bible, right out of Romans 8:28, and I believe that the Bible is the living, breathing word of God, because it tells me it is.

I know that I can feel your pain in my heart. I know how it feels to ache for a baby…..for your own baby.

I know what it’s like to sit under the weight of those unrealized hopes and dreams. I know what it feels like for my arms to long to hold my baby, the pain so real that I can feel it deep within my bones. I know the pain in my heart as I listen to a baby cry at the doctors office, or while walking down the aisle of the grocery store, because those cries were meant for me. I experienced that and it broke my heart. Broke it. My first miscarriage nearly killed me. Emotionally and physically. I didn’t know that you could love somebody so much that you had never met. My heart is hurting for you.

I’m not sure why I was able to give birth to my children when others can’t. That’s beyond me. I do know that I trust a known God. Whatever your situation is tonight, you’re on my heart sweet sister, and I’m praying over you. Whether you’re pregnant for the very first time and worried to death that you’re going to have a miscarriage because all you know is that’s just a scary thing that can happen. Or if this is your second pregnancy or more and everyone has been healthy so far. Or whether you’ve conceived via IVF, or via a surrogate, or maybe you’ve even gotten some news recently and now are “cautiously expecting” because things look grave. Or maybe you’re cautiously expecting b/c you haven’t yet been approved for foster care but you’re anxiously waiting to open up your homes and arms to a child or sibling group, or waiting to be approved or funded for adoption. Maybe you’re struggling with an issue concerning custody of your children/stepchildren. Whichever your situation, He knows your name, and He cares. You’re worth more than the sparrows ……..

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.”    Psalm 33:20-22  (ESV)

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