Moo’ Over Grief: I’ve Got Jesus

… that blog title wasn’t difficult to come to once I saw the picture… and if you knew the sweet boy that I was thinking of when I saw the pic of the cow, you’d smile.

This past season has been a hard one for me. I fought tooth and nail with a toddler about feedings regardless of the fact that she had a feeding tube in place, I was hospitalized for a few days, and one of my best friends moved out of state. There was just a lot going on all around and I loved most of it in spite of the struggles. I had some awesome times. I had my first church camp experience ever, my little family got to spend a lot of evenings outside working in the garden and playing in the pool, my oldest daughter and I went through our first Lifeway Bible study together outside of daily devotionals, and I learned a lot about her. God spoke to me through my experiences and His unfailing love has carried me every bit of the way, through every single struggle I have had.

I was ready for and welcoming fall.

Fall is my favorite time. I do love the spring, but fall is my favorite and I’m sure that won’t change. I wasn’t just ready for change and ready for my favorite months, I was ready for calm. I understand that when we have a stormy season that it tends to wane if we can just hold on a bit longer and ride that storm out.  I knew things were looking up. I’d been off the immunosuppressants for a little while and feeling better and I was ready for my new season. Then life changed again.

My youngest broke her arm in a bouncy house at our church during a back to school bash. The following month, just days after getting her cast off, she had a tonsillectomy & adenoidectomy to help with sleep apnea. The surgery went great, she had the best doctor available, but the healing was harsh. She wouldn’t take her pain medicine for us or drink (if you’re new here, she’s got a lot of oral aversions) which ended us up in the ER, she was admitted for dehydration and given morphine for pain. That following afternoon as I sat there in the hospital room, watching her dad and her snuggled up on the bed, I read something on my phone that broke my heart into pieces. The day before, the night that my daughter had her surgery,  a friend of mine lost her toddler son in a most tragic accident on their farm; he had passed away immediately. I was in disbelief. I thought maybe I was mistaken, I was awfully tired, but I double checked to make sure it wasn’t my imagination; this really just happened. Tears just fell down my eyes and I sat there praying for them. When I looked up my husband asked me what had happened and I told him what I had just read. I couldn’t stop crying. My toddler asked, “Mommy, why are you sad?” The nurse came in with her medicine and took a long look at me, and left the room. I cried so hard that night and I just wanted to drive to her house and hug her neck. I couldn’t go to her little boys memorial service because, as I said, my daughter was having complications from her surgery and just getting out of the hospital.

Death is an awful, terrible …. and precious thing.

I know she knows this already and I’m sorry she ever had to experience it, because we are not supposed to outlive our babies, but I am convinced that perhaps the only thing more precious and beautiful than being present for the birth of our babies is being there as they leave this world. I know a similar heartache as she hurts for that baby, I’ve hurt for mine, the many I lost in utero, and I wouldn’t wish that on one soul. But to have held him, smelled him, felt his warmth and beating heart . . . part of me wonders how a person can be strong enough to withhold that storm. She’s trying to navigate through an unbearable pain right now, but I pray there will be a moment coming soon when she understands the magnitude of that one moment; that she got to be there for two most significant moments in that babies life.

Jesus.

Jesus, you are precious, and you’re so close to the brokenhearted.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4

Sometimes days go by when I don’t give much thought to the pain that I’ve experienced over my losses over the past several years. Some days I want to wallow in my grief and scream, “WHY”, when the heaviness of all the “firsts” that I’m missing catches up to me. There are days when I wonder who they’d be today. What would they look like now? Then moments like this come. Sometimes in waves, crashing one after another. Sometimes in seasons. This moment for me has been particularly bittersweet. As I’ve watched this sweet, strong woman who is such an amazing mama, take on an incredible burden of pain, my heart hurts deeply for her and her family, and I hate that she’s hurting. Then I feel a sting of relief that I’m able give myself permission to grieve with her. I give myself permission to grieve for my own loss once again and I give myself permission for “being okay” after all this time.  One of the hardest parts of losing a child, other than the whole dang thing, is the rest. Is the being okay. Is the moving on. Is the giving yourself permission to move on. . . . getting on with the rest of your life. Perhaps not moving on; simply moving forward. This beautiful, young mother is going to have to use every ounce of energy to keep her head above water, to balance everything in her life, to put one foot in front of the other each day, as she begins to move forward with the rest of her life; as she begins to find a new “normal”. She’ll have to do this for the rest of her life. The sweet child that she can no longer hold in her arms will not be absent from her life in any sense of the word, but more so will consume so much of her identity. It’s really impossible to imagine thinking of anyone but him right now. She’s in mourning. If you haven’t experienced the loss of a child, you simply couldn’t understand the pain. In fact, I’ve lost several babies, and I still can’t understand her pain. Hers is uniquely hers.

Sometimes I got angry about the things I had to go through. I don’t mean angry like, stubbed my toe angry. I mean angry, like fist in the air to God angry, cause that’ll show Him alright!!! Because the truth is, sometimes, we want answers. AND WE WANT THEM NOW! Especially when things don’t make sense. Especially when such tremendous heartbreak is at stake. Especially when it involves sweet, beautiful baby boys that could light up any room with their cheesy little grins and their chunky lil’ legs. I know His ways are better than mine. I know I may never have an answer to the things I want answered most, but I know this. He answers our prayers sometimes in ways that we couldn’t begin to comprehend.

. . . and just because He’s silent doesn’t mean He’s absent.

“God, how could anything good ever come from this!?”

Have you ever prayed something like that? Cried something like that? Well that was my cry and it was worded a hundred different ways.

When we take our eyes off ourselves and focus them on Him, when we are aligned with Him and what He wants, when we’re able to extend compassion to others who are hurting …. when we just take the focus off ourselves, off our own pain and look at our sisters and brothers……..oh…….

Have mercy.

We can not explain why God does what He does, nor allows what He does, because no one knows but I believe that He has allowed me to experience the heartache I have so I would have the tender heart that I do for hurting mamas and know how to specifically pray for them, even if I truly don’t know what to say to them. We all go through things in life that help us to relate to others and this is … I don’t have words. I may not have the right words to help this mama, and nothing I say can ease her pain, and I may even find myself in a place where I don’t know what to say to her . . . but I do know how to pray for her. And am. And tonight I ask that above all you would pray for peace for this precious mamas heart. Not just hurt, but her new husband, her incredibly precious children in the home, the aunts & uncles, and for the love of all, the grandma and grandpas. We want to shield our babies from hurt and pain but these grandparents are suffering the magnificent loss of their perfect grandson while at the same time being helpless to “make it better” for their own children. Pray for these grandparents!

I think to myself, I hardly even know what to say to this grieving mother to help her with her pain and I’ve experienced loss, too. . . then God reminds me that as I intercede for her, it’s okay if I can’t find the right words to help her heart because I’ve extended my hand to her, she knows I’ll be here for anything she needs and my job is to continue to be faithful in prayer and to let Him be God.

As I pray for her every day, I’m reminded to pray for her throughout the day, and when I have the sting of pain or hear or see something that reminds me of my loss or her sweet boy, that stops me and beckons me to pray for her. Again and again. When I see a field of cows, I stop and pray for her. Again and again. When I see my daughters bag on the floor or something softball related, that’s when I’m reminded to pray for his sisters. Again and again. When I hang my husbands plaid shirts from the dryer or put his boots up, that’s when her husband comes to my heart and I stop to pray for him. Again and again. When I see my own mamas name come up on the caller id, that’s when I know to silence the call and pray for her own mama, too.

I know how to pray for her, because of the pain I’ve walked through. I also don’t know exactly how to pray for her, because I haven’t walked through her pain. But the pain I did have, I didn’t walk through that alone, God was with me, and He is walking with her through her grief and trials too.  I wholeheartedly believe that our lives don’t cross by chance, the Lord very intricately weaves us into each others lives. I fully believe that if I had not gone through what I went through then I wouldn’t have been prepared, through my experience, to pray for her the way that I’m able to. If you’re not a believer, that may seem like a seemingly non-significant thing to you. . . but it’s incredible. So many times in my life I have heard people say, “I’ll pray for you, it’s the least I can do.” No. The most important thing you can do for someone is to pray for them. Maybe there’s more reason behind what I went through than just for this but I’m convinced that I had to suffer through my losses so that I could be empathetic and sympathetic to others who would come into my path; that would experience loss. Because every single time that I’m prompted to pray for her and every time that I’ve asked the Lord how to pray for her, it comes as effortlessly as breathing. At 3pm when I’m struggling myself with “mommy brain fog” to remember to pick up kids, run errands, and get to the store to grab something to prepare for dinner, I’m reminded of the confusion/disorientation I struggled with in the first few months following my miscarriages, grief is a nasty thing and consumes our minds, and I know to pray for her to have sound mind. At 1 am when my toddler is waking me up for her bottle, I’m reminded of the difficulty I had with sleeping, I suffered with insomnia. I pray for her to have peace and rest and a goodnight sleep. At 2pm when I’m at feeding therapy with my daughter and chatting with other moms, laughing to them about how they’re my only social interaction for the week b/c I’m a stay-at-home mom, I’m reminded of how I became a hermit during my grieving, and I pray that she won’t isolate herself socially and that the Lord will surround her with people daily who will love on her and bring her laughter and words of affirmation as well. At the 9 am hour when I stop and pray and He’s reminding me of the overwhelming exhaustion I felt during my losses, because of the depression, I know to pray specifically for that. As I joke to a friend during the week about having an anxiety attack when I remembered I hadn’t looked at my planner in several days and was worried I’d missed appointments, I acknowledge that I used to have several anxiety attacks a week, and they were a very real part of my life when I struggled with being depressed; I felt I couldn’t breathe, my body ached all over, I had headaches every day, and I just felt awful. Depression hurts. All over. It hurts to lose a child. It hurts. Grief hurts. In every way imaginable. It’s unimaginable pain. My heart has also been burdened to pray for her, that she would be able to forgive others for saying hurtful things, because at some point it happens, even with the best of intentions. We are ALL guilty of this at some point. I pray that she’s in a relationship with the Lord, I pray she’s able to have the strength to face each day, I pray the Lord would meet her every need and bless her family. I pray other very specific personal prayers for her. Times like this, like her and her families struggles, are a good reminder why we should NEVER says things like, “God never gives us more than we can handle!”. HECK YES HE DOES, TOO!!!! And if He didn’t, why would we need Him? I prefer to say, “God will never give us more than HE can handle!”.

Friends .. . are you thinking of our Christ and the things that have been too long left unsaid? How personal is Jesus to you? Is He your personal Savior? I know that He is mine. I am eternally grateful to God for that, that He sent His one and only Son to die for my sins, and that He not only allows me to have a personal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ but that He wants that relationship with me, too.

PSALM 28

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

John 14:1-4

“The Lord is near to all who call on him,  to all who call on him in truth.”

Psalm 145:18

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” 

Matthew 5:4

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 19:14

So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.”

Matthew 18:14

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”

Psalm 34:18

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding”

Proverbs 3:5

Heather,

I know you’re carrying a lot of pain right now. I don’t know that anyone could ever be prepared for this kind of pain. I know that your grief is probably consuming some of the biggest parts of your entire being right now, just know that you’re being prayed over by more people than you will ever know and that God knows your pain fully! Christ’s hope doesn’t mean that there’s not going to be pain and an abundance of storms, it just means He’s the anchor. It’s understandably tempting to believe that your pain isn’t ever going to ever get easier to bare, but it is. I’m not sure when. Only God knows that. I also think when He takes something big from us, it means He’s going to do something big through us.

Open your Bible because He has a word for you tonight; something specifically for you. Maybe He wants you to turn to John 3:16 so you can be reminded of His unconditional love for you. How beautiful to think that Baby Rhett gets to actually experience the loving arms of Jesus tonight. Whenever you can’t hear his cries, see his cheesy smile, hold that tiny hand, or watch those chunky little legs walking down a gravel road and it hits your heart hard, let those memories be a reminder of God’s love for you, that He loves HIS lil’ Rhett so much that He needed him to have you for his mother, that He loves you so much He that He wanted you to have that sweet baby … and maybe God needed him ‘moo’ than you did. Lean into Him right now, give Him whatever you got, your problems, anger, prayer requests, and your praises. He can take it. Whatever you got, just let Him have it. Read His word and know He means every word of it; He loves you so much. In order to believe that His words are true for us we have to trust Him, and in order to trust Him we have to know Him. He is sovereign and on the throne! Grief is powerful, and necessary, and I believe it can be used to glorify God in a beautiful way if we allow it to. Suffering is necessary, it reveals His glory and helps us rely on Him.  I’m praying that God will continue to meet your every need every day, that He will give you the courage to face each new day, that He will give you the strength to keep looking to the future. Just surrender it all to Him because you were never meant to carry this burden.

You will always wonder who he would have been. That’s okay. You will always miss him. That’s good. You will always love him as much today as you did yesterday. That’s love.

Some days are going to be easy. Yes, easy. That is OKAY! Some days are going to feel like hell. You might feel helpless and hopeless. Just hold on, sister.

Sister, I never thought I would have walked through losing a child of my own. In my worst nightmare I wouldn’t have even considered having gone through losing any of my babies. Losing each of them was a very different experience, the emotions were somewhat similar but very much raw each time, but oh does it keep me longing for heaven. Every day is one day closer to being reunited with them. Just one day closer. It’s not easy to talk about losing my babies and it doesn’t mean I’m strong to do so, or at least I don’t think so, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I am “over it” or that it hurts any less; each day means I’m one day closer. One day closer to being reunited with them. What it means is that it’s important for me to speak up and say something, What it means is that too many women, too many mamas, are out there hurting. Emma Marie was my first loss, maybe that’s why that’s the hardest for me, but there’s nothing harder than burying your child; not when we’re suppose to go first and part of me felt like I died right along side her. But I didn’t. . . and now I have testimony for other mamas. Hear I am. Here you are. I still have zero idea what kind of pain you’re going through. I absolutely can not fathom what you are experiencing. Bless you.

I need you to know that you have an entire community of people who love you and who will never stop being here for you. I don’t ever want you to think that you’re alone, not now and not ever. I know that someday when the texts, phone calls, and cards stop coming in as much – there may be a day where you feel alone. You’re not. You can always reach out and you should reach out whenever you’re hurting. If your prayers ever feel pointless, they’re not. All we can do is wait and trust in God. He answers our prayers, or He doesn’t, but He’s at work in our lives. God will always give us more than we can handle. He will always give us more than we can handle, but He will NEVER give us more than He can handle! He is perfect and I don’t believe this was His will, but rather we live in a fallen world. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But you, mama, are going to raise up a family for the kingdom, honoring the Lord and honoring and cherishing your memory of lil’ Rhett. I love you, girl! 

~XoXo~

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelations 21:4

*Pictures included with expressed parental consent*