Misophonia is such a strange word. Might even sound harmless. The truth is, for some people, it can change lives and maybe even relentlessly torture them. The change can be good or bad. It can bring families together to help with the struggle, or it can drive them apart. As I mentioned in my previous blog, misophonia is a condition where someone, in the simplest terms, absolutely can’t stand a certain sound or noise, called triggers. It can cause them to fill with rage or make them feel panicked. It’s worse for different people, and I did a little research and found that it doesn’t really affect teenagers and younger children as much as it does adults and senior adults.

That’s not the case for me.

My trigger sounds are smacking and nearly any kind of mouth sounds. I’ve never really been able to explain to anyone the extent to the feeling of absolute rage I feel anytime I hear that noise. It’s so bad even if I hear saying. ” Yum Yum Yum Num Num Num” in kind of like a baby talk, I get angry. I either have to deal with the rage. or move myself away from the sound, which isn’t always an option.

A few years ago I had this one teacher who made that sound ALL the time. Many of us do it without even knowing. It’s not like randomly smacked, but is was when she talked. It would be like smacked before each sentence. I couldn’t even focus because all I could hear from her was smacking. I even stopped going to class because it was so bad. Sadly, since then she has passed away, and even though I didn’t like the sounds she made, I will always miss her.
At first, when no one knew what was wrong, my mom told me I had to just deal with it, because there are somethings in life that we aren’t going to like. When I asked my dad to please stop making those noises, he didn’t understand either. Thinking of it now I remember this one time when Rosalie was little he was kissing her, making like these pecking noises, which is close to smacking and made me very angry. I started becoming restless and I moved around and groaned, clearly showing I was unhappy. At this time I was about 8, and didn’t have the courage to ask my dad to stop. My dad heard me, and he said that he could make those sounds anytime he wanted. At that he turned to Rosalie and started to make those pecking sounds even louder and quicker. I immediately got a lump in my throat and was about to get up to close the door, when by the grace of God, my mom called him because she was out doing an errand and he stopped making those noises. After that experience I felt guilty and alone. I was alone because no one seemed to understand how awful I felt when I heard that noise. I even HURT myself, biting my arm to let out the anger, but at the same time I felt guilty for hating that noise because I loved it when Dad did that to me when I was little. I felt so bad.
Another awful thing is that I know the origin for my misophonia, and it wasn’t even smacking, it was fast kissing, and I think I was the one who made me hate smacking.

It all started when my sister was really little. Everything was good, and I didn’t have a care in the world. But over time, I realized when my dad kissed her really fast or relatively quick, I started to get annoyed. You might be thinking, fast kissing? What is she talking about? But for any of you with children, you probably kissed them pretty quickly when the were little, making a sort of num num num sound. That’s where it all started, and one night, lying in my bed trying to go to sleep, I kinda thought, Well, smacking is sort of like a fast kissing noise, so. . .
And that’s how it all started. I then had to love with the weight that I was the one who probably made me hate that noise.
Another memory I have was the day that me and my mom were going to go on a little girl date for my 11 birthday. We were all sitting in the living room while Rosalie was making Play-Doh food at her kitchen set. It would be a few minuted before we left, so we were chillin before we left. At this time both of my parents knew that I had misophonia. My sister had finished making her food and gave it to my dad. I looked up, seeing what he would do, and he picked up the food and started smacking, saying, ” Mmm. Yummy, that’s really good!” Almost immediately my mom looked up and told me to finish getting ready. I got up gratefully and went to my room, where I had to sit for a minute. I was thinking, ” WHY? He knows I don’t like those sounds, yet he did it clearly in my face without a care or regret!” Let me make this clear, my dad is the best dad in the world and I love him very much. But sometimes, I don’t wonder why he did smacked that day. He even does it accidentally when he eats. I know he can’t help it, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

I constantly prayed that God would make it better, that I would stop hating that noise. 4 years later, and still nothing has happened to change that I hate that noise, and I think, what if God did this for a reason, so I could do something great with it? I am still searching for the answer to that, but I know that everything will be OK, be cause God is good.