Someone came up to me recently and mentioned my faith and how great it was. I laughed out loud and was a little embarrassed. I shouldn’t have been embarrassed but I wasn’t sure how to act. Or react? I’m not really sure the proper word for it here.

I certainly appreciate compliments but I have never really been able to take one. That’s a huge compliment and one that I don’t feel worthy to accept because my faith isn’t so great. When I think of great faith, I think of the Hebrews 11 – Hall of Faithers.  I struggle. I do know who my Father is and what He’s done for me. I know this because I have the Bible, which is His written, Holy word.  I know this because I get to know Him, I get to have a relationship with Him.

“But”.

Did you know that was coming?

There usually is a “…but” in there somewhere, right?

But.

But I am a flawed, selfish human being. I mess up. I definitely have my moments and as we all do, we stumble, we falter from time to time and start to doubt…..that’s where the “but” comes in.

I’m not happy all the time. I’m not faithful all the time – not even most of the time.

And Forgive me Father…….the Lord knows every fiber of my innermost being…. the Lord knows my heart …. the Lord knows I doubt.

I don’t doubt His goodness. I don’t doubt His love for me. I know who He is.

But…….I doubt. I doubt. Because sometimes, even though I know that God hears every single word that falls from my lips, I wonder if He will help me. I don’t doubt that He can, but I wonder if He will. I know He’s still in the miracle working business today. He’s unchanging. That doesn’t make me wonder if He will answer my prayers and if He cares as much about the cries of my heart in the season of life as He did in my last season of life – – – because maybe this season is more trivial stuff, it’s superficial stuff or something that’s self-serving and not really God honoring (and just something I want for me), and so it’s going to be at the bottom of His to-do list (and I know I’m all about the to-do list so I fret about that).

I know that God is good and I don’t have to doubt His goodness. I know I have peace that God will see us through every storm and as long as the sun is still in it’s place, He’s still holding creation together. But ….. I doubt that I’m at the top of His priority list, I doubt I’m important enough to make an impact in and for His Kingdom, I doubt that I have any real gifts to add to my church body, I doubt that I have anything to say that’s worth reading. . .. but why? Why?!?!

Why do I doubt? Because the enemy lies to me and tells me I am unworthy; and he is the father of lies. So when I hear those lies I have to go back and see what God’s word says and compare it to what I’m hearing. Just because I know God’s character doesn’t mean that I’m not susceptible to hearing the lies; I’d argue that it makes me more susceptible; the enemy is looking for those who know the truth b/c if he can convince us to believe the lies about ourselves he might shut us up and a quiet Christian is a non-evangelizing Christian – that’s why it’s important to stay in His word and I’m so thankful His mercies are new each morning.

But I have the peace that God has given me this blog as a platform to share and that He is giving me messages to share. It’s really hard for me to sit here and consider that there’s purpose for this sometimes but I have to believe He is going to allow me to use this to glorify Him and I am relentless enough to go forward. It’s hard to put myself out there, to release myself to the world, when it’s so costly to me personally. I’m so out of my comfort zone.

He wraps His arms around me and just loves me. I can’t think of anyone in this world who could see me 24/7 and love me still . . . He loves me no matter what . . . He loved me when I couldn’t even love myself . . . His loves has no limits.

So I may doubt. I may falter. I may not seem to be able to keep it together sometimes but I’m going to still praise Him and tell of His goodness because He’s good. Simply, He’s good.

“Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.”

Psalms 63:3-4