NOVEMBER!

I know it breaks your heart. The year is almost done and where did fall go?! Did it actually not get the memo!? HELLO!?! My plan for the day was to run over to Lifeway and grab my copy of “Breathe” by Priscilla Shirer so I could start it today and be done by my birthday! I’m going to be doing the study with some other ladies online and I’m excited to start this study! Then I wake up and it’s SNOWING like crazy outside and I have no desire at all to get out in this nonsense! Maybe it won’t be snowing tomorrow and I can start a day late?!

I just got a phone call from a doctor downtown who is doing a Lupus study over a trial drug and they are going to be sending me some paperwork to fill out. Wow. So I may be doing a new thing soon!

It looks like both of my daughters broke theirs arms in the last 3 months, so there’s that. The 4 year old broke her arm playing in a bounce house back in August (the left arm) and the 12 year old had an accident roller blading last night (the left arm) and they think she may have broke it, we are waiting for the radiologist to call back. Either way they said she has to keep the splint on it for a minimum of 7 days.

Today was the first time that my daughter cried to the point of needing a teacher to remove her from the car at the car drop off. Tore my heart up. All because I made her wear a warm coat because it was snowing. Look I’m all for natural consequences but the principal wants them wearing warm clothing and if her clothes were wet and it made her fussy, that would have taken the teacher away from the other students/class time, so I made her wear the big coat and she threw down. She’s the one we talked about with Sensory Processing Disorder. Y’all, it was not just fussing of a 4 year old with a tantrum, it was a sensory meltdown that ended with a mother saying, “get out of my car”, to her baby. I drove home with a face on fire, my cheeks felt like coals and I could barely see through the tears in my eyes. I’ve had such a heavy heart all day. If you’re interested in understanding more about Sensory Processing Disorder, a great resource is The Out-Of-Sync Child, it’s my go to.

Things have been getting kind of busy and I know they seem to get  a lot busier around this time of year. I nearly had a panic attack the other day when I realized that I had went a few days without looking at my planner. I seriously freaked out. Y’all, I need my planner. Need it. It’s an issue. I have OCD and not the kind you joke to your friends about. I have “to-do lists” and I actually will make a “to-do” list to make a “to-do” list. It’s a thing. It’s a problem. For the love. I think it’s hereditary. My sister and daughter have it too, so there’s that.

I’ve been dealing with some stuff lately that’s on my heart and I’m not going to speak specifically about it but I’m going to touch on a few things.

So I woke up this morning with Psalm 86:5 on my heart.

I know that God is control. I know that ultimately I’m not going to be able to mess up things so bad that He can’t redeem my situation, whatever I’ll ever get myself in, because He is just so good. He is perfect. He is forgiving. I still fret sometimes though. I still wonder. I still wander. I still cry. I still hurt. I’m still human. I know that ultimately He’s the only one who can give me life and fill the voids that I have, but I’m not being transparent with you if I tell you that I’m completely happy all the time. That’s an illusion. That’s a fantasy. I get my joy from Jesus, but happiness is an emotion, a human emotion, and it’s something that can happen anytime, just like sadness and madness and sickness and bad weather can happen. My eternity is certain to me but the future always seems so unclear.

Our lives usually don’t end up like we had always imagined they would. That’s a fairy tale. I’m thankful that no matter what happens He has seen what I can not, He has went before me.

We think we know others and that we know their hearts. We think that just because we love other people, that we trust them and have invested our time, love, and energy into them that they won’t hurt us. That too is an illusion. A fantasy. The only one who will never let you down is Jesus. The only one who is incapable of hurting you is God.

Sometimes I can’t breathe because I hurt so bad. Sometimes. And sometimes the person who I’m sure is going to completely shatter my own heart and let me down completely is myself. Some people have to decide whether they want to spend the rest of their lives feeling like they are just crazy or they are going to be at fault for everything from now till kingdom come. Because the truth is we all make mistakes. We all make damning mistakes. We all sin. We all love to preach about forgiveness and urge others to not judge but we sure have a heck of a time looking the other way don’t we. As soon as we feel we have been wronged by someone close to us there’s no longer room for error and grace was yesterdays prize and tomorrows trophy but no present for the present.

The world is full of pain. Humans are full of pain. Hang on to Jesus a little bit longer.

God is always in control. Remember that or we’re all out of hope.

“For you, oh Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.” ~Psalm 86:5 ~