I just glanced down at my clock and it’s nearly 3 pm in the afternoon and I can’t help but wonder where most of my day has gone. My days use to be so productive and I once was so eager to face each new day, full of so much energy, and sense of purpose. I struggle some days though. Today isn’t one of those days. I’m not struggling with a sense of purpose and I am eager to face my day. I even have more energy today than I normally do, but half the day has came to pass and I don’t feel that I’ve been super productive. . . . .

. . . and that’s okay.

I’m learning to give myself grace.

That’s not something I’ve always been able to do. I think it’s especially hard when we have families or just people who rely on us in general, whether that be a spouse, children, parents, or a job. We tend to not be able to take it easy on ourselves and give ourselves slack even when we need it the most.

I have an autoimmune disease and my body likes to attack itself, as if I’m not busy enough trying to check things off of my to-do list, my body never likes to slow down, always thinking there’s an invader somewhere. I wonder if I subconsciously trained it to thinking that. Sometimes I’m a helicopter mom; maybe it’s in the genes all the way around. Hahaha. Not funny, but kind of.

I entertain myself easily. Obviously.

My sister, who also suffers from Lupus, shared something with me one time and it’s really been a blessing to me and it became a way for me to relate and explain to others how I felt. It’s called the “Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino. If you’re suffering from an autoimmune disease and are finding difficulty explaining to loved ones just how fatigued you are …. check out the link above, I feel it will be a blessing to you if you’ll take the time to read it. If you don’t even use it to explain to anyone – it still helps to not feel so alone. There’s a poster you can order with the Spoon Theory on it if you want to purchase one to hang up at your house or office you can find them here.

I’ve struggled with when and how much I will write about my struggles with autoimmune related illnesses. I think I’ll try to tackle it soon, maybe brainstorm how to write about it, there’s so much to talk about. It’s a journey. The symptoms, the diets/nutrition, the medication, relationships, and just the way it can alter your very existence or where you felt you stood and what your calling was in life.

It’s not fun to feel weak, to feel tired, to hurt, to struggle …. to feel like a burden.

It’s not fun to question if I did something wrong, if I could do something better, if I didn’t try hard enough, if I’m trying too hard, if I never get enough rest or if I’m not doing enough currently.

It’s not fun to wonder if anyone else truly understands how I feel or how it’s nice for people to ask how I’m doing but that sometimes ….. I’d rather the conversation just not be anything about how I’m feeling because the truth is, even when I say, “I’m good”, I’m not, and I can’t tell you that, and I feel like “Debbie-Downer” if I tell you the truth a lot of the time.

It’s not fun when I feel like I’m just stuck in this body with no way to escape, it’s not fun to feel like my best years are behind me, it’s not fun to feel like I’m walking in the skin and bones of a woman who should be twice my age. Or more. (Even though I am probably ornery enough that nobody will ever accuse me of getting too old too quick).

It’s not even fun to know that I have to deal with this and that there’s no cure for it, even with the knowledge that God is in control, even though I get my peace and joy from Him, even knowing that there will come a day of no more suffering ….. that makes it easier but then again, it doesn’t. Does that make sense? Not really? Yeah, I do that sometimes.

I hate that I spend a lot of time feeling miserable and hurting but I know that there is always somebody out there who has it so much worse than me.

I hate that I get envious of other people who seem to go about life effortlessly and not suffer like I do, but I also know that they have struggles underneath the surface that I wouldn’t dare touch if I had the choice, and so I’m thankful for that.

I hate that this is just one more thing that I don’t have control of but that means that I can recognize, ultimately, He truly is the only one in control. I also recognize that there can be a bright side to my dark side, but then again, I have to – I mean HAVE TO, believe that something good is going to come from this. I know that God can use anyone and anything for His purpose and my suffering has the potential to glorify Him and I hold onto that. It’s not easy, I suppose it may never be, but I wholeheartedly believe that a mustard seed of faith is what I need. My story matters to Him. I spent too much time hiding in shame, thinking that there was something wrong with me because I was sick and because my child was sick, and that if I’d just done something differently we wouldn’t be here. I wondered how I could tell other people about God and answer the tough questions like, “How would a good God allow you to suffer like this or allow any suffering at all?” Here’s the thing, I don’t know. Not really. I don’t have all the answers and that’s a really excellent question but there are things that I do know.

I know He is good.

I know that if I didn’t suffer the way that I have, or if my daughter wouldn’t have went through what she has, that I wouldn’t have the intimacy with Christ that I do.

I know that sometimes God permits things to happen, even if He hates those things. He doesn’t like my suffering. And though in my heart I know it has to be something that will ultimately (somehow, someday, down the line, in somebody’s life) help to accomplish His will and I don’t see it now, I just know that my finite mind simply can’t even begin to process it and try to reason some things. Not really. He is an infinite God and I can’t fathom how any of my suffering could possibly be used by the maker of the universe for His plan, and His plan is ultimately to reconcile His children to Himself, but then again …. I can’t fathom how the work at Calvary was finished, even considered, yet it was done. It is finished.

Tetelestai

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

“For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Romans 8:18