I debated over this blog.

Debated.

I didn’t say I prayed. I said I debated. Prayer wasn’t something that I went to when considering this blog. Why? That’s weird, huh? Yeah, kind of weird, right? This lil’ “Jesus-girl” wants to talk about how important God is to her and how prayer is effective and important but she didn’t pray?

Wow.

Well those things would be accurate and prayer is absolutely important and effective.

Pride. I guess that’s the most accurate word? I don’t know what other word I would use to describe it.

I didn’t pray though. I just heavily debated. Could I show my face again if everyone saw what I’ve been hiding? I mean, I can sit here and tell you of the stuff that I’ve hidden in my heart and my mind, but the physical. Is it going to be what you look for every time you see me?

I was prideful, worried about my self-image, outward appearance. I think sometimes we are all guilty of that on some level but I sure was worried about people seeing what I hid under the bobby pins, especially when only my tribe has seen what I cover up.

By the way….I did stop and pray after I started to write this blog. As I sat there writing the words, every word was forced, and nothing flowed freely. I knew I had to stop and pray and you know what, I’m able to just get on with it now.*

Last January I began immunosuppresants.

Slowly my hair began to fall out, then more and more and I was surprised at the amount I still had on my head but it sure had thinned out and was fine, no longer the thick hair it use to be. Because I have very naturally curly hair – that gives it some volume. In June I was hospitalized when my troponin levels increased, after a few days in the hospital and many tests, I got to come home. My doctor doubled the dosage of immunosuppressants. My hair fell out even more and then began to fall out in chunks all over my head in the matter of a few weeks. Within 2 months she took me off the meds stating that my tests were in normal range, that my hair would stop falling out and hopefully regrow, and my body would hopefully be stronger. My hair is incredibly thinned. I have to pull at it all over and tuck pieces here and there to cover the thinned out spots, and it will probably be two years before it’s grown out where it’s not noticeable like it is now. I know it’s just hair but it’s actually been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to go through. Maybe that sounds shallow to you, but that’s just how I feel.

I am utterly self-conscience about it. It was humiliating to me to be out in public and just have big chunks of hair fall out and it would happen all over my head. I had to start wearing a bandana and head scarfs and turbans because I constantly had hair all over my clothes and would get hair in my mouth. I was humiliated. Those nearest and dearest to me have been so lovely and kind through my journey, always encouraging me, and I even had a girlfriend who was going to shave it all off so I didn’t have to watch it continue to fall out. In fact just weeks before I stopped the medication she agreed to do it for me and the only reason she didn’t end up shaving it was because the dr ended up discontinuing the medication.

For now I have one inch fuzzies all over my head, which ironically gives my hair more volume because it pushes the hair up off the head and makes it look “bigger”, hahaha!

I’m thankful for God’s perfect timing because He knew what I’d be going through and knew when the medication would be stopped even when I didn’t. I’m so thankful for beautiful friends and their loving words of affirmation as I have struggled with an illness out of my control. I am thankful for God’s foreknowledge of  what  was going to happen and what is going on now. He’s really faithful … He’s even faithful to remind me of the times He’s been faithful. I know that what I went through this past year  was helping to prepare me for stuff I am going through right now that I simply couldn’t handle if He hadn’t prepared me. Things don’t happen by chance; there’s nothing He doesn’t know and He most definitely is sovereign.

The things that make us uncomfortable – that’s what grows us, and it’s reminded me to not hide behind the fear. I love that the Lord uses things so strategically to grow us and remind us where our beauty truly comes from and that we can let our light shine to a dark world. Going through this – I’m even more thankful to be able to represent a company who helps women to feel more beautiful.

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Luke 12:7

“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”

Matthew 10:30

^“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

…..but the Lord looks at the heart. Thank you, Jesus.