There’s this verse on the wall in the nursery at my church and the first time I actually took the time to read the words to it a couple of summers ago I laughed out loud.

I don’t mean that I just laughed out a little, I mean I carelessly, head thrown back, arms in the air, belted out laughing hysterically. I was a sight I’m sure. I’m not just saying that because I think that, I’m certain of it because of the terrified look on the faces of all the children in the VBS class with me who were startled by the hyena in the room. The youngest VBS goers were sitting there waiting for their parents to pick them up and as I waited at the door for the “runners” to come get the kids I just happened to scan the wall and read:

“Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed” 

1 Corinthians 15:51

I thought it was the most spectacular thing I had ever read. My daughter has insomnia, not the kind you joke about – but actual diagnosed insomnia, and I couldn’t think of anything funnier and more amazing than to read that when I was completely exhausted.

Little things like that should make us laugh. Little things like that should bring up big emotions in us that make us think and feel and help us to enjoy and appreciate the small things. I was thankful for that moment. I’m not always thankful for the small things, maybe because all too often I worry that I’m missing the small things or messing up the small things.

Sometimes I feel like I miss the big things and mess up the big things, too.

Some days I feel like I’m missing everything and messing up everything.

Sometimes.

Some days.

I watch my daughters sleeping at night and wonder if they know? Could they know? Do they know about all the promises I’ve already broken to them? How at the very moment I knew they were in my tummy, to the very moment I first held their tiny bodies in my arms, that I promised them the world. I promised them I’d be the best mom I could be. But I’m not always the best mom I can be. I’m not sure I ever am. I promised them I’d always be loving and kind but I haven’t been, I’ve been quick to blame and lost my temper with them more than I’d ever admit. I promised I’d give them everything they ever wanted but I haven’t and I know I never will. . . . there’s so much I can’t afford and even if I could, because I love them I must tell them no, for their own good,  even when I feel like I’m letting them down.

I had all these expectations for myself. They weren’t birthed at the time that my children were, no they were seeds that were planted long before my baby’s conception, but there was nothing unrealistic about them to me. Even in hindsight, now, they seem like perfectly reasonable expectations for myself. I could be a wife, a mother, provide a clean and safe home for my family, work in a professional environment, stay in touch with family, and have meaningful friendships, and ” do the things”. You know, because all of the above listed weren’t “things” that were going to be consuming all of my life already at this point, nah, I could still do “the things”, too. So I would be the supermom who took her kids to little league, dance, karate, piano, church, choir,  PTA, and just whatever other activities all while running errands (shopping, post office, dry cleaner, paying bills, getting the car fixed, etc.) You know, the regular old responsibilities and commitments that we have …. when we “do the things”.

Then of course life happens and we just open up our handy dandy planners and see what “free time” we have so we can throw some more obligations in the mix. We also don’t necessarily consider things like long term illnesses affecting our lives, things like autoimmune disease, because whether we care to admit it or not, on some level we get comfortable and think we’re invincible when we’re younger.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to disappear and it scares me.

Sometimes I feel like I do too much and it makes me sick. I feel like I do too much but if I stop then I’m going to be jamming everyone else up and I don’t want to inconvenience others especially those who rely on me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough and it can’t measure up to anything else or anyone else or even my own expectations or even what the Lord wants and that I’m letting everyone down and I’m just going to disappear and not a soul will know I’m gone.

Sometimes I think the house is always going to be a mess and then I get so frustrated that I don’t even want to be in the house. It drives me crazy that I can spend five hours cleaning it and 30 minutes later it looks like a complete mess and like nobody has picked up after themselves in 6 months. How in the actual heck does that happen!? It drives me mad!

Sometimes I think that there’s no reason to try, ever. My youngest has been sick all her life and although her illnesses are a real struggle I find that the biggest problem for me is her eating disorder. It’s really hard. We’ve got such an excellent team of people that have been in our lives and they’ve always been there to tell me what I’ve been doing right and wrong and have to give me instruction (which is always fun to hear….not) but I’m thankful for it. But still sometimes it’s so hard to not just….just stop. After battling this for such a long time, after trying and trying, it’s really hard to battle that urge to just resign to believing that your life will always be this way. That things aren’t going to change, that you can’t fix things, that you’re not helping to make things better. I average around 7,000-8,000 miles a year driving to and from therapies and specialty and doctor appointments, will it be worth it?

Sometimes I wonder how great it would be to have those “2 am friends”. Does everyone have those friends? Is it just me that doesn’t?  I know that I have friends that I can call at anytime, but do I? No. I know that I’ve had this conversation with some really amazing friends of mine, friends that I love deeply, and we’ve even joked about being each others ‘2am friends’ but I don’t really connect with them much because I don’t make that phone call or send that text… because in my head I think, “if they wanted to hear from me they’d get a hold of me”, or “what if they don’t want to talk to me”. I honestly, as a grown woman, struggle with stuff like that.

Sometimes I wonder if doing this blog, even though I know that God put it on my heart, is enough. I know He’s going to bless it and use it but is it enough? It’s still not going to be enough because I don’t have a college degree and I’m not an English major and I don’t have a huge following and even if I do my best it won’t be enough and I …… I can give you a 100 reasons if you want.

Sometimes, when Jesus isn’t everything, because I’m too busy making idols, that’s when I become insecure.

That’s when I find everything that I want to change about myself.

That’s when I’m not enough.

That’s when I’m not thankful for what I have.

Because when Jesus isn’t everything, when I make my children, my marriage, my friendships or myself the object that my world revolves around, the center of my universe, I’ve made idols. Sometimes I just put my children first, without even giving thought, and that’s making idols of them.

Because when Jesus isn’t everything – I’ve elevated my focus off of Him onto my babies. My children can’t be the center of my world, they can’t come first. God has to be first. If I don’t seek Him first, then nothing else will ever align in my life and I will remain overwhelmed – I fear.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. that’s when I think I have to be. But I was never meant to carry that burden and also, I can’t. I can’t be everything to everyone. I can’t even be everything to myself. I will never be everything to my children. I will never be everything to my husband. I will never be everything to my friends. I will never be everything to my family. I will never be everything to anyone. For that, I am thankful. That’s a responsibility, a burden, that I can’t carry nor do I want to.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. I have to struggle alone.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. I have to listen to the lies.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. I have to listen to the voices of condemnation.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. I have to drown in an ocean of doubt, fear, pity, and live with the embodiment of failure; because they are what define me; when Jesus isn’t everything.

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. I can’t see through to the truth, past the enemies lies.

When Jesus isn’t everything…..that’s when I will always believe the lies that I’m never going to be the wife my husband wants, or a good enough mother, or a friend worthy of the best of friends (by the way, I have the loveliest friends, and some of the best belong to me – too many to name).

When Jesus isn’t everything ….. there’s only room for me: Me, myself, and I. I’m a fully flawed human being and sometimes I don’t allow room for error,  also I judge, I’m a hypocrite, I’m full of shame, contempt, guilt, and condemnation. There’s no room for grace or second place. When I come to my Father, I can give Him everything, lay everything at the foot of the cross, and He gives grace to me freely and His mercies are new every morning.

“You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands.”

Psalm 16:5, GNT

“The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.”

Psalm 16:5, KJV

This is my favorite King James Bible and it’s marked down right now. There are a ton of KJV Bibles out there and two of my Bibles are KJV but this is my preference.